


Cold

by roseyk



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Phil Is Hurting, not much else to say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 09:16:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13854735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roseyk/pseuds/roseyk
Summary: Phil had realised that the world didn’t wait. Time continued to pass and no matter how bad you wanted it to stop, how bad you needed it to stop; it simply turned it’s back. It’s as if the universe knows you’re hurting, but can’t be bothered to find it within itself to care.





	Cold

Phil had realised that the world didn’t wait. Time continued to pass and no matter how bad you wanted it to stop, how bad you needed it to stop; it simply turned it’s back. It’s as if the universe knows you’re hurting, but can’t be bothered to find it within itself to care.

Since Dan had died, Phil tried his best, he really did. He sobbed and pleaded for relief, but the deep ache in his chest and in his limbs and in his heart never gave mercy. It throbbed and it burned and it hurt until it couldn’t possibly hurt anymore, and there was absolutely nothing Phil could do except take it.

In the rare times it faded to resemble the pain of perhaps a day-old burn, Phil found that he could breathe. He could think and he could answer the dozens of missed calls left by his family and he could wander around the flat and take in the eerie silence that still managed to cause him a massive headache. It didn’t feel right. He had lived for years with a bright boy who seemed to radiate warmth into each room he stepped, but now that boy is gone and Phil is cold, he’s freezing, but no matter how many blankets he hides under; nothing changes. 

But during the times when the heartbreak ripped through him like the sharp edge of a hot knife, there was no telling whether it would last a few hours or drag on for days; agonizing but incurable. 

Nothing felt right since Dan had passed, and Phil didn’t have to dig deep to know why. He no longer woke up to the subtle movement of his lover, waking up before him but not wanting to start his day. He was no longer able to fall asleep basking in the warmth radiating off the younger boy, multiple limbs entangled but somehow still comfortable.

Phil can’t tell what hurts most, but all he knows is that the world is unfair. He’s lost his best friend; his husband; his other half, and he’s not sure why it had to be this way. He can curse at everyone, he can lock himself in the house, he can scream and tug at his hair until it comes out in clumps, but nothing will change the fact that he’s alone.

He expected things to grind to a halt or to slow down completely because why is he the only one hurting? Why can everyone else go on with their day-to-day lives while I’m here suffering? I’m in so much pain and it won’t stop and everything is empty and it’s not supposed to be like this.

Phil never thought it was going to end this way. Dan wasn’t supposed to get sick, and he wasn’t supposed to die a slow, painful death as his body fought against him. He never did anything wrong. Phil wanted to sleep until he forgot about it all, but he knew that Dan would want him to move on. Dan would want him to be bright and happy and okay. But it was going to be hard, and Phil knew that. 

How could Phil possibly call someplace home without Dan there beside him? They were supposed to buy a forever home and adopt a dog and they had even gotten to talking about kids; but now Phil’s plans were ripped to shreds, and he had no idea what to do or where to go. 

Since 2009, Phil’s whole life had revolved around the boy he had come to love; the boy he had considered home. Phil knew that he was in love the first time he had seen Dan’s face over the internet; grainy and laggy but somehow still beautiful. 

He thinks he must’ve fallen during the countless hours they spent chatting over Skype about nothing but somehow everything at the same time. He thinks back to the many messages sent with sweaty palms, laced with unspoken questions and subtle-but-clumsy flirting. He remembers the first time they met; how Dan ran up to him and hugged him like he was returning home after years abroad, happy tears trailing down his warm, pink cheeks.

Phil remembers the way Dan blushed when he first uttered the nickname ‘Bear’, the red tint trailing up to his ears and down to his clavicles. It hadn’t taken long for them to warm up to each other, laying together in Phil’s bed for what seemed like days on end; legs intertwined but still kept at a safe distance. It all made Phil’s heart race at the time, and he can’t help but grin when thinking back to how anxious he really was.

 

-

Phil ended up moving into a smaller flat, keeping as much of Dan with him as he possibly could. He never really felt okay, but he knew that even if Dan was gone, the love they shared was still so warm and sweet. It took him a while to remember how to live on his own, and he found that he often made too much food or occasionally an extra cup of coffee, but he managed. He was as happy as he could be, and even if the universe wasn’t quite home without Dan, Phil knew that he was still with him in spirit and in heart.

**Author's Note:**

> this was just something i wrote really quick! i know i’m not the best writer but i was proud of this :)


End file.
